dad with kids

You’re a noncustodial parent and you miss your kids

Question of the Day

You’re a noncustodial parent and your children live with the other parent. You notice that the children don’t call you unless you call them. You miss your kids, but they don’t seem to miss you. It seems like a case of out of sight out of mind. Do you simply deal with it, or do you fight it? And if so, how?

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tosh thumbnailNatosha Warner is an author and talk show host. She pens the Question of the Day for Solomonjones.com

 

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Skdamc Da Partystarter

I fought the good fight with this. Some would be surprised at the tenacity of the forces used against the non custodial parent. It’s difficult trying to undo years of damage. It’s not impossible, though.

Solomon Jones

I agree. It’s an uphill battle, but one worth fighting. Unfortunately, people don’t realize that by keeping kids away from the other parent, they’re hurting the child most.

The Connectress

As a parent, you always have to fight. Defeat is not an option – although it may feel as if you are fighting a losing and unfair battle fueled by chaotic emotions, an unjust system and the mental evolution and growth process of childhood. No matter how inquisitive (nosy) one may be, you never know what truly is going on and being said behind closed doors that your child experiences regularly. To make a bad situation better:
1. Understand that the child(ren) essentially are in the middle and dealing with their circumstances through a child’s maturity and eyes. Never take your emotions out on your babies by giving up.
2. Even if you have to be the one to call all of the time…. DO IT. They may not appreciate it now, but they will eventually as they can never say my parent didn’t give a hoot about me.
3. Make the absolute most of the time you do have together. Make EVERY moment count… and make record of it. Through pictures, video, etc.
4. Remember, your child will one day be an adult that will fully analyze their childhood in retrospect. Your efforts may all seem in vain right now, but it will be duly noted in the future.
5. Stay more focused on what you are able to do vs. what you are unable to do.
6. Pray hard! You’ll be amazed how fast things will adjust.

Kevin Ghee

You fight until exhausted. I don’t take it personal anymore as I have learned the cycle of children. You can live in the home with them and be as disconnected as the non custodial. Its just a very sad ordeal. I doubt that I’ll ever have another kid but if so I would never be an away dad again. Just to stressful.

Solomon Jones

I am with you on this. I’ve done it both ways and I learned one lesson that stands out among many. If at all possible, pick a good mate and get married before having kids.

Kevin Ghee

If I was to have a child again I’m never going to do this away thing ever again. Kids suffer too much and the father is always vilified for not being there whether by choice or chance

Solomon Jones

You’re entering dangerous waters., Kevin. You’re almost hitting on the moms who purposely keep dads out of the picture. Don’t do it!

Kevin Ghee

Well they do it. I aint scared. Been too scarred to have anymore flesh to be bruised…LOL The court systems exacerbates the scornful behaviors of women AND know this and aid and abet it. This plight of fathers is systematic. Can’t even begin to convince me that all these men just say eff it. I know too many who have tried earnestly

Solomon Jones

I have to chime in with this because it’s relevant. We talk about fighting to see our children and that’s fine. We should do that. But what about when you’re a noncustodial parent who is married to someone else? What happens when the fight (and indeed the child) becomes a barrier in your marriage?

Kevin Ghee

How so? I need a little more clarity before I can answer

Solomon Jones

Often when people who are married have kids from a previous relationship the fight to see and be involved with those kids causes issues in the marriage. That’s what I mean.

Read this: http://www.solomonjones1.com/blended-family-issues/

Kevin Ghee

I totally agree. Then if you give up the fight you’re vilified for the fact that “you’re doing more for or spending more time” with someone elses kids. Damned if you do damned if you don’t. This is the reason I let noone define me or what is expected. You’ll be like a circus animal jumping through hoops trying to please everyone. It’s all so crazy.

SteveY

As a Dad who fought for visitation and ultimately custody for my oldest child w/ my Ex, I am completely jaded by the whole premise of equal justice/best interest of the child. The whole process would be laughable if the consequences weren’t so great.
I eventually was granted custody of my daughter. Only after severe damage (that my daughter & I are still recovering from) was done.
Then the support structure is inherently flawed. You have me, the father being told by a judge from the bench, to find a cheaper place to live in order to afford the $200/ week he imposed. Then when I was granted custody, she was ordered to pay $20/ week. Im still not sure what you can do for a teenage girl w/ $20/week.
Its a difficult/daunting task to parent effectively from outside the home. As the non-custodial parent your hands are tied & your influence is minimal at best.
The deck is stacked against you!
W/ all of that resentment, its still worth it to fight for your rights and more importantly, your influence on your childs upbringing! It matters!

Solomon Jones

As a dad who has been through the Family Court System with my oldest, I can say with full confidence that you hit the nail on the head.

W. Jonathan McCoy

Well, you keep calling your kids… You stay in touch with them. Let them know you love them and care! Create opportunities to have outings with them. It’s about the children, not about that pissing-contest with your ex… And make sure you render financial/material support for them also!

Tosh

I was not necessarily speaking of custodial issues when I posted this question. I was thinking of the teenager who is merely preoccupied with life and does not necessarily have the non-custodial or the custodial parent on their minds as they are just doing what teens do and that’s them.

Solomon Jones

It’s interesting what comes out of these discussions. Even when we might intend one thing, the commenters might want to talk about something else.

Angie Hammer

I adopted a child that the cedar rapids iowa courts, did no background on my ex.He was not clear of five yrs, he lied in court to adopt.Well I did not know of what to do when the child told me of something. I messed up on not knowing the law. Well I paid $6,000 on two lawyers, & all I got was to pay child support, on a kid that is not mine& do not get to see..He got away with everything.. If the hospital would have reased the child after I took her in to get checked for what he did to child, So I was late to go to work, so I called the biological mom. than she tried to get me into trouble, about not reporting it.. so I told the human service that I think he was inacent.Then I ran away, so he did not have to go to jail for it, then the iowa courts gives him custody.. I have the reports to prove it.