angry boy

When your stepchild hates you

Question of the Day:

You’ve recently married and your spouse has a child from a previous marriage. You and the child totally despise each other. The child is 13. Do you attempt to get along with the child, even though the stepchild hates you and has warned you he’ll never like you and has told you to just stay out of his way when he comes around? Does being an adult always come with a mandate to be mature?


tosh thumbnailNatosha Warner is an author, talk show host, and regular Solomonjones.com contributor

 

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JAB58

Let’s face the fact most kids want to see their parents together.. Usually when a child act out in this fashion they are missing something,structure or may be lacking attention or love. As adults we have to be the example for them we marry into a package deal if you can’t bare with a stubborn child reconsider your future.The bottom line we all need love.

Solomon Jones

Good point. I also think when stuff like this happens, the married couple needs to have a talk. This tests the marriage vows, which tell us to forsake all others and put our spouses first. This means your friends don’t come before your spouse, your parents don’t come before your spouse, and your kids don’t come before your spouse. I think for a lot of people this is easier said than done.

W. Jonathan McCoy

You also have to remember that a relationship involves more than two consenting adults. The children involved are entitled to a say in the issue. I learned the hard way that the child’s opinion and feelings do/should matter!

Solomon Jones

I’m curious. How did you learn that?

W. Jonathan McCoy

Got into a relationship, oh… 19 hears ago. I was IN LOVE with that woman (Still have a soft spot in my heart for her… sigh)!!! but her youngest daughter (the same age as my youngest…) couldn’t seem to accept the concept of her mother and I being romantically involved. The child, despite all of my attempts to form some kind of bond refused to accept me. I could blame her mother for not doing a better job of ameliorating the fragile situation. But I won’t. We co-habitated for 4 years and eventually I walked away, primarily because of that untenable situation.

The lesson I took away from that situation was that the child(ren) involved, I was a single parent also, definitely have a say in what/who the custodial parent is going to form an intimate bond with. I gave my youngest (daughter) that “veto power.” She only ever exercised it once. Ya know what? She was right about that one, too!!

I took it from those two that a relationship between two individuals also involves any dependent children. Their feelings and interests must supersede the desires of the parent/guardian. But, that’s just my opinion…

A.K. Hasan

Very good point. When getting involved with someone with childern it’s a package deal.

W. Jonathan McCoy

In my opinion, children are to be protected and their welfare supersedes all other concerns. Children, despite how annoying, irritating or disrupted they are must always be protected and nurtured. It’s not about the relationship, it’s our biological duty to protect and nurture them. Every child on the face of this planet should be our collective responsibility to care for, protect and nurture.

Tosh

while I do think that we should value our children’s opinion, I do believe that we need to return to basics and teach our children to stay in a child’s place. Children should never be able to get aqay with being disrespectful and pitting one parent against the other.