couple in trouble

Ignoring the signs of cheating

Question of the day:

It appears that in the realm of cheating, men seemingly get a free pass to cheat and to be forgiven while men typically will cut a woman off and won’t look back. Why do women seem to be so forgiving when it comes to cheating? Are women practically taught to see and not see a cheating husband?

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tosh thumbnailNatosha Warner is an author and talk show host. She pens the Question of the Day feature for Solomonjones.com

 

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Shannon D. Robinson

I wish I knew why we are so forgiving and men are not. But that is truly the way it is and the way it always has been. I’ll always remember my mother telling me that a man can do whatever he chooses but as soon as his woman does it he is out the door no sooner than she can bat her eye lashes. Double standard? Possibly. As for being taught to overlook a cheating husband; I think when a person is married you really want the marriage to work and so you try to work through it. I believe marriage can survive infidelity. Unfortunately, there are those cases where the man is a repeat offender…over and over and over again…at which point its just time to move on. Maybe some women are still living under the “boys will be boys” mentality. I don’t know. It sucks. Makes one not want to get married. Maybe that’s just me.

A K Hasan

Question Shannon, because of what your mother told you would you
subconsciously accept that behavior.

Tosh

Men are territorial and not so forgiving because he views his woman as his possession and he can’t fathom another man bedding his woman. As for infidelity not being a deal breaker I totally disagree for my marriage. One and done. The same way he wouldn’t accept my behavior as the norm, neither would I and we’ve discussed such. In short, we’re smart and wise enough to know to keep ourselves out of situations. Being committed is something you have to want and anything else is something you clearly choose to do with someone else. Don’t cheat, just leave.

Aphrodite Brown

I think that we place too much emphasis on sexual monogamy as proof of commitment to a partner.

A person having intercourse with someone else doesn’t have to be a deal breaker. Marriage does not have to be sexually exclusive for it to be committed.

Tosh

Interesting views Aphrodite but I wonder how many men would share those sentiments when he’s on the cheating end of the deal?

Aphrodite Brown

I think that is a part of my point Tosh. Choosing non monogamy as an option within the confines of a relationship can – I repeat CAN – eliminate the cheating aspect of things if the parties are adults and willing. If we can choose monogamy we can also choose respectful non monogamy. By choosing non monogamy a couple can define their relationship on other things that matter and not make sex the defining principle.

Tosh

I suppose this works for many already in various cultures and societies.

Aphrodite Brown

It is not something that will work for everyone. I do feel strongly though that monogamy elevates sex as the defining principle of the relationship. While sex is a component, and in many cases an important component, I think we do ourselves a disservice by defining commitment by sex.

Clarice M

I think it has to do with women sometimes blaming ourselves. Maybe if I initiated sex more…or maybe if I lost weight…or maybe if I were younger. Or sometimes its because we are comfortable in our situations. Leaving would mean we would have to uproot our children from the only home they know and moving in with a family member or friend until we are back on our feet.

Solomon Jones

Those are interesting points. I wonder how many women would be open enough to discuss that view.

Tosh

When I was younger I thought like so Clarice. The problem is with the latter part of your statement is that if that man decides to leave the family would be uprooted anyway. Why don’t we see the affects of cheating as damaging and just as bad as a divorce or break up? What are we teaching our daughters to accept from a man and from our boys, how are we teaching them to treat his wife in the future? Whether single or married, when children are involved we shouldn’t remain in damaging situations just to be in a situation. IMO.

Marcia

I think women are bred to be caring, loving and forgiving more deeper than man or men more and more. It’s passed on the families, females8in the families and carries on. Women are not or seemed to be taught or shown the differences in the man cheating in a relationship in comparison with a husband cheating in a marriage. In a marriage, it’s taught and talked about working hard and harder to keep that marriage grounded and rounded and love will. .true love. .will over come all. Forgive and keep moving. Keep the family together. Through all of that, man is still considered MAN and viewed as such. We, as females, women give our hearts, kisses, hugs, sex, love, feelings, emotions and risks our health and homes and finances all for him while having the caring and other stuff in us. Women pray with eyes closed. Men prey with eyes opened. The preys are very different. Some of the closed eyes get the lessons too late so by that time they’re caught up and at times locked in. That’s where the blames come in. Women blame themselves more quickly than man. Men hold all in by being full of pride.