black woman

Being “Miss Independent” in relationships

Question of the day:

Miss Independent is more than a song by Ne-Yo. It’s real. African American women are are far more likely than other women to be the sole or primary household earner and head of household. Do you think this causes a further divide in relationships when women are viewed as “Miss Independent” and accused of not needing a man?

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Aphrodite Brown

Does she not need a man, or does she not need a specific man? The perception of Miss Independent is a woman who has everything, except a male partner/companion. It furthers the idea that without a man, a woman, and a Black woman is incomplete.

Scary territory to navigate if you ask me.

Like any other woman, a Black woman both needs a partner yet the presence of that partner should not define her as a woman. If the presence of that partner should not define her, the absence of that partner should not either.

Solomon Jones

At the risk of being politically incorrect, I think men and women need each other. I think we balance each other out. The question, though, is an interesting one, because it’s really a question of economics. To put it simply, the question is: Has the fact that many black women don’t need a man’s money hardened them into believing they don’t need a man at all?


Ooo Good question Solomon. Some women seem to think they don’t need a man, because she can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, but also some men find it hard on their egos to have a woman that don’t need them to provide for them. I think however it goes deeper than that. I believe men are hardwired to be hunters, and protectors, and now society has changed so much the nature for some of us hasn’t caught up to it as of yet. Times are very different now, and it makes it hard for some men, and women
to keep pace. Then again I believe there are still some women that like to be taken care of. Is that wrong for them to feel that way? I guess the bottom line is for us to find the person that’s right for our nature, and don’t fight against the grain. An independant women won’t kill a relationship, if she’s in the right relationship.

Aphrodite Brown

The sexual, financial, and educational freedoms afforded to women and Black women in 2014 doesn’t erase the need for a mate or partner, but it does allow a woman to choose to defer choosing that partner.


And so often to her detriment. We have to alter the mindset that having materialistic things or not, determines ones value(s) or lack thereof. Growing up we were taught that we are no better than anyone but sometimes just better off. Far too often some women will view her gains as being better than her male counterpart and if he lacks in the areas where she is a bit fuller she somehow believes that he’s not on her level. This thinking, I personally believe is just another way to keep us divided by design and which causes so many women to miss out on a potential mate who can add richness to her life than no dollar could ever buy.


Ever pause to think about what thoughts are formulated about men, that are still single after a certain age? I can promise you that none of them and nobody will ever consider him to be a strong, selective independent black man…

Aphrodite Brown

I think “nobody” is a stretch, but I can sort of see your point. I am somewhat of a unique person in that my view on relationships is different than most of my peers. I am not swift to desire one, I am neutral at best about marriage, and I choose my partners based on criteria my peers ignore. If I were to see a single Black man, without children at my age my immediate assumptions are not negative. My assumptions are he is living as he wishes to live and I hope he is happy while doing it. It won’t make me more likely to date him or less.

Darin Toliver

“Everybody needs somebody to love” -Bobby Womack

Solomon Jones

Yeah we all need somebody to love. Unfortunately we don’t all know it. There’s been a phenomenon growing over the last twenty or so years. A sister advances in her career while advancing in age. She makes six figures but can’t find a man because she has a checklist with all the things he must have. I wondering this is part of the trend Natosha was talking about in her question.


I’ve seen countless women with a check list so long that by the time these women reach their mid 30s those same men who were never quite good enough have moved on and settled down and now these women are left alone. Somewhere along the line women have been brainwashed into believing this Knight in Shining Armor hype when in reality both genders needs the other in so many more ways than can ever be measured by a checking account.


Um, sorry. Most single white, black, or hispanic…heck, any single woman with kids, does NOT support HERSELF and her kids. Can we be honest? The facts are that most are on gov. aid provided by you and me…the tax payer. P.S. I’m happy to do it for the kids. But where are the FATHERS? Not BABY DADDIES? Sorry it’s a cliche in the Black community…but there is a reason why. Because statistically 80% of Black households have NO FATHER. And we wonder why the community is so screwed up? The destruction of the family and welfare replacing male provider roles hasn’t helped. No woman should or really wants to raise a family alone. Seriously. Does anyone REALLY believe that???

Solomon Jones

I think you’ve been given some misinformation about black dads. Black fathers are actually more involved with their children than white and Latino fathers, according to a four-year study by the CDC. In their National Health Statistics report, which tracked fathers from 2006 to 2010, the CDC found that black fathers spend more time with their children than fathers from other groups. Your statistic on the number of black children without fathers is also wrong. Sixty-seven percent of black children live in single parent households, according to the Annie E. Casey Foundation, and Pew found that 67 percent of black dads who don’t live with their kids see them at least once a month, compared to 59 percent of white dads and 32 percent of Hispanic dads. You can read the CDC report on black fathers at Your assertion that the black community is “so screwed up” is also wrong. Here are some quick numbers from the Census Dept.: 82 percent of blacks over 25 have high school diplomas, 18 percent have B.A.’s or higher, 1.5 million blacks 25 and older have an advanced degree, and 2.9 million blacks were in college as of 2010. That last number is a 1.7 million increase since 2010.